thebewitchedarmchair

So, here we are with something I babble on about a lot in everyday conversation. I love top 5s, top 10s, top 20s, etc. Yeah, I'm a dork. Or am I a geek? Nerd?
Whatever, the point is that I was pondering my stunningly terrible taste in men and have come to see that I can blame all my poor choices in matters of the heart on the guys I watched in tv and film as a kid and teenager. Even more telling is the fact that the characters I swooned over and thought were just the dreamiest, most awesome, hot, amazing, you name it, guys out there were REALLY damaged!
Is it disturbing that I am grinning ear to ear over this?
In any case, here are my:

Top 5 Bad Boys Who Guaranteed That My Taste In Men Will Forever Suck!

In no particular order by the way...
1. John Bender ~ The Breakfast Club
As a preteen and then a teen, this guy was the epitome of SWOON for me. He was a mouthy smartass who defied authority, picked on the popular girl, was vulnerable, and had great fashion sense. Now that I am a mom, I think I would probably have a heart attack if my daughter brought him home and introduced him as her 'friend'. 
Some of John Bender's greatest hits:

2. Mark Hunter aka Hard Harry ~ Pump Up The Volume
Okay, it can be argued that Hard Harry may not have been that bad of a character for me to crush on as a teen. Yes, he fought against conformity, yes he stood up for the little guy, yes he had kickass taste in music. He also hangs out all by himself in his room ALL the time, runs a pirate radio station, and encourages kids to act out in ways that MAYBE aren't the most conducive to making it through the teen years in good shape. I mean, I personally think to this day that the guy is awesome, and if my daughter brought HIM home I likely would be thrilled. The kid was SMART and, again, had great taste in music. That said, he definitely steered me towards guys for whom rules are more of a suggestion.
Hard Harry getting 'er done:

3. Billy the Kid ~ Young Guns
Do I really need to elaborate on why this wasn't a great film object of my affection?

4. Any of the vampires ~ The Lost Boys
Aaaaah, the mullets, the flashy clothes, the attitudes! Honestly, I adored all the guys in this movie (except Sam and Michael; they annoyed the piss out of me), even the Frog Brothers. If I HAD to pick a favourite, I think it would be David. He was just SO damned sexy, evil, and sadistic; in other words, just the kind of guy to get my little adolescent heart beating a lot faster.
Obligatory overly-dramatic mvid:

5. Mr Spock ~ Star Trek
Leonard Nimoy's Spock, to be precise. No offence to Zach Quinto, but Nimoy was THE Spock who fueled my preteen/teen fantasies. Looking back, I think a lot of my 'issues' stem from this particular crazed fandom.  I mean, if one were to look up 'emotionally unavailable' in the dictionary, I am pretty sure we would see a picture of this guy. Honourable, handsome, intelligent, resourceful, and totally incapable of returning the love offered to him by various women over the years.
Spock.... mmmmm.....

     Mmmmkay. Right off the bat, the fact that we have armies rushing into battle and knights smashing eachother into smithereens, well, this is a huge bonus for me. Now, my teenager may be turning up her nose and scoffing "yeah, but where are the DWARVES Mom, I mean, c'mon!", but she knows, and I know, that this movie is going to suck her in like sparkly vampires sucked in multiple generations of females, and make her totally forget about the lack of the seven dwarves in this trailer.
     So, the armies look like great fun; can't wait to see a bunch of glorified battlefield carnage. As it looks like KStew's Snow White may be flouncing (oh, sorry, marching) into battle as well, I think it will add a different dimension to the fairy tale most of us are familiar with.
     What I really want to start flapping my yap about is Charlize Theron.
Charlize. Freaking. Amazing. Awesome. Fantabulous. Theron.

      How great is she?!?!?! We all know she has the capacity to portray evil and is, in my opinion, up to just about any acting challenge out there. That said, I didn't expect to watch this trailer and immediately throw my allegiance to the Big Bad. I WANT her to convince someone to cut out Snow White's heart so she can chow down and live forever. Nothing against Snow White, but the Queen looks waaaaay more interesting. I get the impression from her opening words in the trailer that at one point she was a little less evil and a lot more conflicted, and I'm totally intrigued by the possibilities.
     Something to address is the fact that a lot of people are bitching and moaning about the whole 'Snow White is fairer' bullshit, seeing as KStew is, admittedly, no match for Theron in the beauty department. Really people, let's not sink to the level of talking trash about a young girl's looks. The mirror clearly states that Snow White's beauty will eventually surpass that of the Queen. Part of the joy of movies is the suspension of reality; surely we can all imagine it is possible that someday Snow White (as portrayed by KStew) will be more lovely than the Queen?
     I mean, it's not as if the girl is ugly:
      I mean, she's got the lips red as blood, hair black as coal, skin white as snow thing down PAT. Give the kid a chance; I was one of the people who bought her performance as Joan Jett, after throwing a pretty embarrassing temper tantrum over her being cast in The Runaways. I can give her the benefit of the doubt if it means getting to watch this movie, which I suspect is going to be exceptionally pretty.
     Pretty like...... THIS GUY OMG: 
      Supposedly there's a Prince in the movie somewhere; can't really claim to care. For me, the Huntsman will be delightful eye candy. This right here, this would be Chris Hemsworth, most recently known as Thor. Haven't caught that one yet; I should really get around to that soon. Anyway, my daughter can have the pretty boy Prince (and yeah, is admittedly IS very pretty) so long as I get to enjoy watching this guy kick major ass.
     For my daughter (and my teenaged self of years gone by, who would've swooned over this guy for surely), here is Snow White's Prince:
     Fairly broody; it will be interesting to see what sort of Prince he ends up being. I kinda want Snow White to get it on with the rugged guy who is going to train her in the art of war instead of cutting her heart out for our Queen to feast upon. Maybe the Prince will end up being a rotter and I'll get my wish. Fingers crossed!
     In closing, I think what has me most excited about this movie is the early promise evidenced by how amazing this trailer is. They are still fairly early in production for SWatH; to put out something this polished and exciting so quickly tells me that they aren't going to half-ass it in the least. Can't wait to see it next summer! I do believe I'll actually get a babysitter for my youngest and take the older two to the actual theatre to enjoy it!

     Not sure how my inaugural post on this blog ended up being about 'American Horror Story', but hey, here we are! Obviously, if you've not watched this episode yet then OMG SPOILERS SPOILERS, RUN FER YER LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!! 
     Let's start things off with the official promo for this episode on what has become my EXTREMELY guilty pleasure this television season.

     Allow me to warn readers in advance: I will likely offend many of you with what I have to say on this episode, and many, many topics in the future. I am an opinionated bitch and am at a stage in my life where political correctness doesn't really mean a damned thing to me. If you don't care for my opinion, right on, enjoy that right and move on.
     Okay! Now, I have been waiting for this episode for a long time. Finally we got some answers regarding Tate, who most of the viewers had pegged as a ghost right from the start. Turns out his fantasies of walking into his high school and going on a Basketball Diarieseqsue shooting spree were more like memories, albeit sans the funky skullface makeup he sported in the pilot.

I won't deny that there were definitely a lot of similarities to the Columbine massacre, the most glaringly obvious being the scenes in the library. I am not sure why the little snippet "do you believe in God" didn't make an appearance, since in the Halloween episode, one of the ghosts of the kids Tate murdered mentioned specifically that he had asked her that before pulling the trigger. Maybe the producers wimped out? In any case, it was clear that the writers were drawing parallels to the real-life tragedy without that heavy-handed reference included in this weeks eppie, so I'm happy.
I liked the fact that Tate slaughtered a jock, geek, goth, etc instead of merely targeting kids who may have bullied him. I don't think he was bullied, for the record; I think the Murder House had its fun with him (just like Larry, who we know roasted his family like marshmallows at the behest of our favourite abode) and turned a sensitive, moody teenager into a mass murderer. This, of course, doesn't negate what Tate did, or make any of it okay, but I think him killing kids who never did a damned thing to him is a lot more affecting than a kid who has been bullied blowing away a ton of little assholes.
     And what is up with the scars on Tate's face during the flashback? Where did those come from? Infantata? Some theorize that the scars are remnants of Tate's own love affair with cutting, which is a nice little link with Violet, fucked-up teen daughter extraordinaire of our beloved shrink Ben, but I don't buy it. Cutters don't typically go for the face; they tend to mutilate their arms, thighs, bellies, etc. So where did the scars come from?
     Moving right along: am I trying to read too much into the fact that the Tate-centric episode has 'piggy piggy' references permeating it? What's the scoop with the Manson family tie-in here, if in fact there is one? I know, the whole piggy thing stems from the patient that sees Ben this episode, Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet. That guy has issues. Has a terror of mirrors, or more accurately, urban legends that involve mirrors. The fear that Ben wants him to work on this week is his worry that the Piggy Man, some pig farmer who used to put on a pig mask and snort around his hogs before butchering them, is going to appear from behind and slaughter him if he says "here piggy pig pig" three times in a mirror. Hmmm... I prefer Bloody Mary myself, but whatever floats your boat, right? In any case, Cam first tries to pull this off in the Murder House bathroom, only to see the ghost of one of the nurses in the tub before he can finish his mission. Not to worry, seeing the ghost of a murdered girl shouldn't put ANYONE off; our patient of the week runs along home to complete his homework, manages to say his lines three times, and gets blown away by a burgler hiding in the tub. Poor guy. At least he didn't get gutted and skinned by the Piggy Man. Jumping back to the Tate/Manson family thing: if anyone has a theory on what the writers are trying to accomplish with this, I'd love to hear it. For anyone who hasn't connected the dots yet: Sharon TATE, murdered by the Manson family, who wrote PIG on the door of the house in the actress' blood. She was 8 and a half months pregnant at the time.
     Tying into this, we of course have Vivien, who is apparently carrying the hooved spawn of demons, aka The Beast, according to the ultrasound tech, who has quit her job and is now lighting candles at the local church. Vivien, our heroine, when not calling the hot security guy to come check the perimeter for her, has been happily scarfing down sweetbreads and raw brains, in addition to greedily sniffing at raw pig pancreas. Yummy yum yum! This is TOTALLY normal, girlfriend!  I mean, this is your third pregnancy, so eating and craving raw pig parts shouldn't cause any alarm at all. After all, it's for the baby, and was offered to you by that nice lady next door, Constance, who is SO clearly a sweet, selfless woman without any ulterior motives whatsoever. Looking forward to seeing what exactly Vivien is growing in her womb; if it actually has hooves then I hope it has a little tail too. And horns? Would horns be too much to ask?
     So, in conclusion, this is what we learned from this episode: Violet's boyfriend is a dead mass murderer, but he loves her and she loves him, so this can be overcome; Vivien is carrying the Beast, but the house needs a BAYBAY so it will all turn out; the hot security guy is so clearly going to fuck our pregnant heroine, whose husband is sending his patients into bathrooms to invoke the Piggy Man; Constance and Moira think that raw pig meat is just what that sweet, demonic fetus needs to grow big and strong; and, finally, there are a shitload of ghosts partying in the basement. I wonder if the Infantata gets pissy about them hanging out in it's comfort zone.